15 minutes ago I was ready to write a deep post reflecting on my life in the past four months. Then my roommate came home. We were having a chat about our days, when she said "I think you're crazier than I am." (in reference to my recently discovered passion for Broadway and the fact that I watch youtube videos in my free time) Now, she's said this MULTIPLE times before, and I know she's joking. But just recently we had a discussion about it, b/c it kinda annoys me when she says it. Not much, but some, if only b/c sometimes I cant tell if she's being serious or not. Saying it so often would imply that she might think it's actually true. So we had discussed it, and I just assumed that she wouldnt say anything like that again. But she did. And I was gonna let it go, no big deal. I'm not the kind of person to get pissed about every little thing. So I just explained that I dont specifically put aside time to watch youtube videos or go out searching for them. I just stumble across them in my free time. Just b/c I have more free time than her doesnt mean I'm crazy. So she asked me if I was mad, which I wasnt really, but I said with a laugh that I was kinda annoyed if only b/c we'd gone over this before and I'd told her that it was kind of annoying then. At which point she got up suddenly and started walking out of the room, simply saying that she was going to bed, and responding with an abrupt "no" when I asked if she was mad.
She does this all the time. I cant handle it. She's constantly concerned that I'm mad about something, to the point of freaking out, but she really does get mad about everything, but never admits it. She cant ever be honest with me, yet she says I'm her best friend and that she's so glad I'm in her life and bladdy bladdy blah. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. That's just the kind of person I am. I'm not going to tell you I'm fine with something if I'm not. I may be sarcastic, but I dont lie about being mad, or happy, or sad. Not to my real friends anyways. So I definitely dont lie to my roommate. So it really pisses me off when she gets mad about nothing, and then tells me she's fine. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that? I cant read her mind; I cant force her to tell me the truth. Confronting her about it does nothing; I've confronted her more times than I can count in the past four months and it's made no different. There's no winning.
So I just let it go. And forget about it. Until the next time it happens. And one day, I'll explode, and have one less (seemingly semi-fake) friend in the world.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
there will be light
So Kaci and I have been obsessed with Next to Normal for 2 months now. But obsessed doesnt really cover it. Passionate is more like it. Kaci saw N2N on Broadway last year, and when she found out it was on tour, she wanted to see it, partly because the actress who originated the lead, Alice Ripley, is reprising that role in the tour. So the closest the tour was coming was St. Louis. So we went. I had no idea what to expect; I'd never heard any of the music, had no idea what it was about really. And initially, I was just blown away by the music. It was like nothing I'd heard before. I probably spent a good portion of the show just watching the musicians, who were in different places on the stage. But the story was fantastic, and I fell in love, and started listening to the soundtrack non-stop. Unfortunately, Alice Ripley's understudy was in for her when we saw the show in St. Louis. So we decided to go to Minnesota and see it again. So we bought tickets in advance for the Saturday night show, but ended up going to the Friday night show and both performances on Sunday also, because the Ordway is awesome and has $30 student rush tickets. And it was absolutely amazing. We got to meet some of the cast after two of the shows, get some autographs and pictures. And I fell even more in love with the show, with the characters.
Just over 2 weeks ago, Kaci and I both got tattoos on our feet that have the phrase "There will be light", which is from the closing song of the show. Mine also says "let it shine" which is also from the song. After listening to that song over and over, and seeing the show 5 times, I realized how amazing that song truly was, and how much it relates to my life. Not just to having a positive attitude and always searching for happiness, but it ties in with my favorite bible verse, Matthew 5:14-16: "You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others that they may see the good you do and give glory to our Father in heaven." This is the theme of my life. Let your light shine. And I've been wanting a tattoo having to do with that for a long time, but never could come up with anything that seemed right. Then I listened to this song. "There will be light. Let it shine." Perfect.
3 days after we got our tattoos, we decided to go see Next to Normal in Ohio. So we left a week ago Friday at 11 pm, drove 13 hours, saw the show 4 times, slept a total of 11 hours, then drove the 13 hours home. And it was darn close to life-changing. I cried through every performance we saw. Bawled the entire time. The show always brings me to tears, but never as much as this time. Maybe because we were in the front row for three of the shows, and I could see the raw emotions on the actors' faces, see Alice Ripley, Asa Somers and Emma Hunton crying real tears. Maybe because I have a tattoo that ties me more closely to the show. Maybe because I've spent more time with the music now and have a deeper connection. But it was absolutely beautiful. By the end of the weekend, some of the cast knew us. The merchandise girls remembered us from Minnesota. We met Pearl Sun, who's Alice's understudy, and chatted with her a bit. We chatted with Preston Sadleir and Asa Somers at the stage door about their brilliant performances as Henry and Dan, which made us cry every time. And they remembered us the next day; Asa waved to us from the stage after curtain call and shook our hands after the last show we saw, and Preston thanked us for coming and chatted with us again. They're real people who appreciate fans who love the show. And it was amazing to see that. And to be able to thank them for all that they do.
Next to Normal is a hard show. It's about a woman (Alice Ripley as Diana) who struggles with bipolar disorder, depression, and delusional episodes, and how this all effects her husband Dan (Asa Somers), her daughter Natalie (Emma Hunton), and her son Gabe (Curt Hansen). It also addresses Natalie's struggle for a normal life with her new boyfriend Henry (Preston Sadleir), and Jeremy Kushnier plays Diana's rockstar of a psychiatrist. The show is deeply emotional, covering so many levels of the family's dysfunction and so many real issues that everyone struggles with. And it's also very hard to deal with. It brings out emotions that some might rather keep hidden away, shows problems that maybe a lot of families pretend dont exist. But they do exist, and N2N is one story of how a family might deal with those problems, from drug use to suicide to just struggling to get through each day. And it hits home with me in so many ways. So its hard to watch. But its beautiful at the same time, and makes me realize that there is always light.
Which is why I love this song. It's the final song of the show, and I cry almost every time I listen to it. See the show if you can. It's absolutely amazing. There will be light.
Natalie:
We need some light.
First of all, we need some light.
You can't sit here in the dark.
And all alone, it's a sorry sight.
It's just you and me.
We'll live, you'll see.
Dan:
Night after night,
We'd sit and wait for the morning light.
But we've waited far too long,
For all that's wrong to be made right.
Diana:
Day after day,
Wishing all our cares away.
Trying to fight the things we feel,
But some hurts never heal.
Some ghost are never gone,
But we go on,
We still go on.
And you find some way to survive
And you find out you don't have to be happy at all,
To be happier alive.
Natalie:
Day after day,
Give me clouds, and rain and gray.
Give me pain, if that's what's real.
Dr. Madden and Natalie:
It's the price we pay to feel.
Dr. Madden and Diana:
The price of love is loss,
Dr. Madden:
But still we pay.
Dan and Dr. Madden:
We love anyway.
Gabe:
And when the night has finally gone.
And when we see the new day dawn.
We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.
The wasted world we thought we knew,
The light will make it look brand new.
So
All:
Let it
Let it
Let it
Let it
Let it
Shine, shine, shine.
Day after day (day after day),
We'll find the will to find our way.
Knowing that the darkest skies will someday see the sun.
Dan:
When our long night is done,
Dan and Natalie:
There will be light.
Diana:
(There will be light.
There will be light.)
All:
There will be light.
When we open up our light.
Sons and daughters, husbands, wives.
Can fight that fight.
There will be light.
There will be light.
There will be light.
There will be light.
Just over 2 weeks ago, Kaci and I both got tattoos on our feet that have the phrase "There will be light", which is from the closing song of the show. Mine also says "let it shine" which is also from the song. After listening to that song over and over, and seeing the show 5 times, I realized how amazing that song truly was, and how much it relates to my life. Not just to having a positive attitude and always searching for happiness, but it ties in with my favorite bible verse, Matthew 5:14-16: "You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others that they may see the good you do and give glory to our Father in heaven." This is the theme of my life. Let your light shine. And I've been wanting a tattoo having to do with that for a long time, but never could come up with anything that seemed right. Then I listened to this song. "There will be light. Let it shine." Perfect.
3 days after we got our tattoos, we decided to go see Next to Normal in Ohio. So we left a week ago Friday at 11 pm, drove 13 hours, saw the show 4 times, slept a total of 11 hours, then drove the 13 hours home. And it was darn close to life-changing. I cried through every performance we saw. Bawled the entire time. The show always brings me to tears, but never as much as this time. Maybe because we were in the front row for three of the shows, and I could see the raw emotions on the actors' faces, see Alice Ripley, Asa Somers and Emma Hunton crying real tears. Maybe because I have a tattoo that ties me more closely to the show. Maybe because I've spent more time with the music now and have a deeper connection. But it was absolutely beautiful. By the end of the weekend, some of the cast knew us. The merchandise girls remembered us from Minnesota. We met Pearl Sun, who's Alice's understudy, and chatted with her a bit. We chatted with Preston Sadleir and Asa Somers at the stage door about their brilliant performances as Henry and Dan, which made us cry every time. And they remembered us the next day; Asa waved to us from the stage after curtain call and shook our hands after the last show we saw, and Preston thanked us for coming and chatted with us again. They're real people who appreciate fans who love the show. And it was amazing to see that. And to be able to thank them for all that they do.
Next to Normal is a hard show. It's about a woman (Alice Ripley as Diana) who struggles with bipolar disorder, depression, and delusional episodes, and how this all effects her husband Dan (Asa Somers), her daughter Natalie (Emma Hunton), and her son Gabe (Curt Hansen). It also addresses Natalie's struggle for a normal life with her new boyfriend Henry (Preston Sadleir), and Jeremy Kushnier plays Diana's rockstar of a psychiatrist. The show is deeply emotional, covering so many levels of the family's dysfunction and so many real issues that everyone struggles with. And it's also very hard to deal with. It brings out emotions that some might rather keep hidden away, shows problems that maybe a lot of families pretend dont exist. But they do exist, and N2N is one story of how a family might deal with those problems, from drug use to suicide to just struggling to get through each day. And it hits home with me in so many ways. So its hard to watch. But its beautiful at the same time, and makes me realize that there is always light.
Which is why I love this song. It's the final song of the show, and I cry almost every time I listen to it. See the show if you can. It's absolutely amazing. There will be light.
Natalie:
We need some light.
First of all, we need some light.
You can't sit here in the dark.
And all alone, it's a sorry sight.
It's just you and me.
We'll live, you'll see.
Dan:
Night after night,
We'd sit and wait for the morning light.
But we've waited far too long,
For all that's wrong to be made right.
Diana:
Day after day,
Wishing all our cares away.
Trying to fight the things we feel,
But some hurts never heal.
Some ghost are never gone,
But we go on,
We still go on.
And you find some way to survive
And you find out you don't have to be happy at all,
To be happier alive.
Natalie:
Day after day,
Give me clouds, and rain and gray.
Give me pain, if that's what's real.
Dr. Madden and Natalie:
It's the price we pay to feel.
Dr. Madden and Diana:
The price of love is loss,
Dr. Madden:
But still we pay.
Dan and Dr. Madden:
We love anyway.
Gabe:
And when the night has finally gone.
And when we see the new day dawn.
We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.
The wasted world we thought we knew,
The light will make it look brand new.
So
All:
Let it
Let it
Let it
Let it
Let it
Shine, shine, shine.
Day after day (day after day),
We'll find the will to find our way.
Knowing that the darkest skies will someday see the sun.
Dan:
When our long night is done,
Dan and Natalie:
There will be light.
Diana:
(There will be light.
There will be light.)
All:
There will be light.
When we open up our light.
Sons and daughters, husbands, wives.
Can fight that fight.
There will be light.
There will be light.
There will be light.
There will be light.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Oh Death, where is your sting?
At Mass at Holy Trinity tonight, they sang one of my favorite songs ever, which is just so powerful to me, and so perfect. The song is "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher. So I've had it stuck in my head for the past couple hours, and plan on spending some time meditating on it during Adoration tonight. When turning on my iPod just now, I decided I wanted to listen to Matt Maher's music, so I hit shuffle on all of his songs. Guess which song played first? "Christ is Risen", of course. So I'm sharing it with you. Here are the lyrics and a video of the song. It comes from 1Corinthians 15:55-57.
Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely You've bled for us
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bowed to none but Heaven's will
No scheme of Hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down
In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night
Sing it, o death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Rise up from the grave
Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely You've bled for us
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bowed to none but Heaven's will
No scheme of Hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down
In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night
Sing it, o death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Rise up from the grave
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I'm not the typical girl...
....and you have no idea how to handle me.
This is what my best friend just told me. I'm not the typical girl, and a guy we were speaking of has no idea how to handle me. In fact, my best friend doesn't even know how to handle me. How exactly am I supposed to take that? As a compliment? It's not like I really want to be a "typical girl." But to be told that a guy wouldn't know how to handle me? What does that mean? That can't possibly be a compliment. Especially coming from my best friend. He doesn't just throw compliments my way very often. Or ever. Usually he just tells me everything like it is, and calls me out when I mess up. So is he saying I'm too much for a guy to handle? That I'm impossible to deal with? If my own best friend can't handle me, then who can?
No one, apparently. No one can handle me. This is what my best friend just told me. With best friends like him, who needs enemies?
This is what my best friend just told me. I'm not the typical girl, and a guy we were speaking of has no idea how to handle me. In fact, my best friend doesn't even know how to handle me. How exactly am I supposed to take that? As a compliment? It's not like I really want to be a "typical girl." But to be told that a guy wouldn't know how to handle me? What does that mean? That can't possibly be a compliment. Especially coming from my best friend. He doesn't just throw compliments my way very often. Or ever. Usually he just tells me everything like it is, and calls me out when I mess up. So is he saying I'm too much for a guy to handle? That I'm impossible to deal with? If my own best friend can't handle me, then who can?
No one, apparently. No one can handle me. This is what my best friend just told me. With best friends like him, who needs enemies?
Monday, April 4, 2011
A Late Night Date With Jesus...
Adoration always gets me thinking, and today was no exception. I've been spending a lot of time dealing with self-worth lately, and the overwhelming feeling that I wont be worthy of my future husband (assuming my vocation is marriage), and most of today was spent on that topic. But it was the random thought I had at the end of my date with Jesus that I want to rant about today; and when I say rant, I mean I just want to share because my heart is bursting.
As I was saying good night to Jesus, I was overwhelmed by the sense of being in Jesus' true presence, and what a wonderful gift that is. In the Eucharist, Jesus is truly present; how blessed are we to be able to partake in that? Not just in Holy Communion, but just to be in His present, whenever we want. But the thing that really struck me is that this isn't the first time I've been overwhelmed by this sense; this wasn't even the first time TODAY I was overwhelmed by that sense. Ever since I went to the FOCUS conference in Denver back in January, I have been constantly in awe of Jesus' presence in the Eucharist. Mostly I think due to Christopher Stefanick's talk titled "Beyond Boredom." He spent an hour going through all of the main beliefs of the Catholic Church and emphasizing how amazing they are, and that we need to stop getting complacent and used to these beliefs. Jesus died for my sins; how can that not amaze me every time I look at the cross? Jesus is truly present in the Eucharist; how can I not bow to His Glory every time I'm at Mass or in Adoration?
Of course, immediately after Stefanick's talk, we had Adoration and confession. My experience when they brought Jesus into the ballroom and placed Him on the altar/stage was mind-blowing. As the priest was walking into the room, I was overwhelmed by the sense that Jesus Himself was walking into the room; that when the doors opened, I would see the person of Jesus, not the Body of Jesus in the form of a piece of bread. I felt as I imagined the crowds felt on Palm Sunday, when Jesus rode into town on a donkey; I wanted to weep for joy of seeing Him; I wanted to throw myself onto the ground in His presence. I was not worthy.
And somehow, ever since then, what Stefanick said has stuck with me. I can't get used to Jesus' presence; I can't take it for granted. Every single time I'm at Mass or in Adoration, I am completely in awe of His presence. I don't have to force myself to focus; I simply look up, and I am reminded of Him, of His sacrifice for me, of His love for me. I am constantly aware of the miracle of the Mass.
Why don't we have those feelings every time we go to Mass? Every time we go to Adoration? We have been given such a gift as Catholics; we are in Christ's true presence so often. How do we not fully understand and appreciate that? I sit in the church on Sundays sometimes and wonder how these people can sit around me and not fully understand what they're doing; to not understand and be in awe of the miracle that is taking place on the altar; to not want to grovel for the Lord's mercy in His presence; to eat His Body and drink His Blood as if it's simply bread and wine. How is that possible? How can these people call themselves Catholic when they seem to have no idea what they're doing?
Don't get me wrong: I'm not judging anyone. I'm just so in awe of the presence of Christ in the Eucharist every single time I go to Mass and every single time I go to Adoration, and I want everyone else to know what I'm feeling. I want everyone else to understand, I want them to see what I see. And I want them to give to Christ what He deserves. He died for our sins, out of love for each and everyone of us; He suffered on the cross, when He had done nothing to deserve it. Doesn't He deserve our time and our understanding and our adoration?
Being Catholic is such a gift; I am constantly reminded of that, especially in moments of true adoration. What a blessing that we are able to be in Christ's presence over 2000 years after He walked on this Earth. That's another thing that amazes me: to some people, that seems impossible, like some kind of myth or crazy belief that us Catholics have. To me, that seems like a miracle. A gift from God, because He loves us. He loves us with a terrifying love. How can we not love Him back?
As I was saying good night to Jesus, I was overwhelmed by the sense of being in Jesus' true presence, and what a wonderful gift that is. In the Eucharist, Jesus is truly present; how blessed are we to be able to partake in that? Not just in Holy Communion, but just to be in His present, whenever we want. But the thing that really struck me is that this isn't the first time I've been overwhelmed by this sense; this wasn't even the first time TODAY I was overwhelmed by that sense. Ever since I went to the FOCUS conference in Denver back in January, I have been constantly in awe of Jesus' presence in the Eucharist. Mostly I think due to Christopher Stefanick's talk titled "Beyond Boredom." He spent an hour going through all of the main beliefs of the Catholic Church and emphasizing how amazing they are, and that we need to stop getting complacent and used to these beliefs. Jesus died for my sins; how can that not amaze me every time I look at the cross? Jesus is truly present in the Eucharist; how can I not bow to His Glory every time I'm at Mass or in Adoration?
Of course, immediately after Stefanick's talk, we had Adoration and confession. My experience when they brought Jesus into the ballroom and placed Him on the altar/stage was mind-blowing. As the priest was walking into the room, I was overwhelmed by the sense that Jesus Himself was walking into the room; that when the doors opened, I would see the person of Jesus, not the Body of Jesus in the form of a piece of bread. I felt as I imagined the crowds felt on Palm Sunday, when Jesus rode into town on a donkey; I wanted to weep for joy of seeing Him; I wanted to throw myself onto the ground in His presence. I was not worthy.
And somehow, ever since then, what Stefanick said has stuck with me. I can't get used to Jesus' presence; I can't take it for granted. Every single time I'm at Mass or in Adoration, I am completely in awe of His presence. I don't have to force myself to focus; I simply look up, and I am reminded of Him, of His sacrifice for me, of His love for me. I am constantly aware of the miracle of the Mass.
Why don't we have those feelings every time we go to Mass? Every time we go to Adoration? We have been given such a gift as Catholics; we are in Christ's true presence so often. How do we not fully understand and appreciate that? I sit in the church on Sundays sometimes and wonder how these people can sit around me and not fully understand what they're doing; to not understand and be in awe of the miracle that is taking place on the altar; to not want to grovel for the Lord's mercy in His presence; to eat His Body and drink His Blood as if it's simply bread and wine. How is that possible? How can these people call themselves Catholic when they seem to have no idea what they're doing?
Don't get me wrong: I'm not judging anyone. I'm just so in awe of the presence of Christ in the Eucharist every single time I go to Mass and every single time I go to Adoration, and I want everyone else to know what I'm feeling. I want everyone else to understand, I want them to see what I see. And I want them to give to Christ what He deserves. He died for our sins, out of love for each and everyone of us; He suffered on the cross, when He had done nothing to deserve it. Doesn't He deserve our time and our understanding and our adoration?
Being Catholic is such a gift; I am constantly reminded of that, especially in moments of true adoration. What a blessing that we are able to be in Christ's presence over 2000 years after He walked on this Earth. That's another thing that amazes me: to some people, that seems impossible, like some kind of myth or crazy belief that us Catholics have. To me, that seems like a miracle. A gift from God, because He loves us. He loves us with a terrifying love. How can we not love Him back?
Friday, October 15, 2010
Faith-shaking
Yesterday in Theology Seminar, Dr. Ramage asked us how the course had effected us so far. His point was that with all that we've been learning, it's easy to see all these supposed "errors" in the Bible and lose faith. The course is on Divine Scripture, so we've been looking at things like inspiration, contradictions in the Bible, contradictions within history, and the historicity of the Bible in general. So the fact that there are two contradicting accounts of the creation and the flood, all in Genesis. If they contradict each other, how can they be inspired? Which one really happened? We've looked at evidence in history of certain figures in the Bible, such as David. And we've looked at ancient Near Eastern myths that mirror the creation story and the flood story, yet were written centuries before Genesis was even talked about. So what makes Genesis different from these myths? How can we claim it is inspired if the same story was told by someone else way earlier? Is it all myth, not real?
Yesterday, Dr. Ramage told us that graduate students studying theology sometimes lose their faith when studying these subjects. Which is not hard to fathom at all. Everything we've been taught to believe as Catholics can be disputed by history, or even within the Bible itself. How can we believe that the bible is truly inspired by the one true God, if it is basically impossible to prove who wrote it, when, and with what intention? So Dr. Ramage wanted to know if we've had any doubts, any thoughts similar to these. At first there was basically a resounding no. We're theology majors at Benedictine College; we cant lose our faith just based on these silly arguments, right?
Wrong. Finally someone spoke up. She said this class has made her wonder if everything we believe is true. In the modern world we live in, it's pretty naive to just believe what you're told, without questioning where it came from. And this course is showing us exactly that; that we have to be able to question, but still believe, to answer the questions that others, non-catholics and catholics alike, have. We're theology majors; we cant just accept what our professors teach us without forming our own opinions. So I completely understand what Dr. Ramage was saying, and how my classmate could be doubting. I can see how a lot of people might find problems with these inconsistencies in the Bible and in our faith. Makes sense.
But I was sitting in adoration this morning, filled to bursting with love for my God, for all of the mercy that He has shown to me, even as simple as allowing me the opportunity to visit Him everyday in the Holy Eucharist, and I couldn't help but think that all of those inconsistencies, all of those contradictions, just don't matter. I mean, obviously they do matter; this is the history of our faith, it came directly from God, and in order to claim that, there has to be some explanation for the inconsistencies. But regardless of whether the Bible is truly inspired, or whether God actually created everything in 6 days, or whether David was a good king or a traitor to the Israelites, regardless of any of that, I know that when I go to adoration, I can truly feel God's presence, and I know that He has had a hand in me being here right now. I know that I would not be at this school right now, directing a retreat, spending glorious time in prayer everyday, bursting with love for God and for everyone He has put in my life, if God did not exist and if I didn't believe in Him. The evidence of His work in my life is all that I need to believe that everything I've ever learned is true, that the Bible is inspired, and to have the trust that one day, even if it's after I'm dead, I will understand it all.
It's important to know our faith; to learn everything we can, to think on our own, and come to our own decisions. Our faith as Catholics is not just about a relationship with God. But if you have that relationship with God, how can you not believe in the Church? Sure, maybe there are a few things that don't add up; but the Church is still going strong after 2000 years. Surely, something is right.
And so, my seminar has not shaken my faith; if anything, it has made me yearn for more knowledge. I want to know as much as I can about this merciful God who obviously loves me more than I can possibly imagine; after all, His Son died for my sins--what more is there to know?
Yesterday, Dr. Ramage told us that graduate students studying theology sometimes lose their faith when studying these subjects. Which is not hard to fathom at all. Everything we've been taught to believe as Catholics can be disputed by history, or even within the Bible itself. How can we believe that the bible is truly inspired by the one true God, if it is basically impossible to prove who wrote it, when, and with what intention? So Dr. Ramage wanted to know if we've had any doubts, any thoughts similar to these. At first there was basically a resounding no. We're theology majors at Benedictine College; we cant lose our faith just based on these silly arguments, right?
Wrong. Finally someone spoke up. She said this class has made her wonder if everything we believe is true. In the modern world we live in, it's pretty naive to just believe what you're told, without questioning where it came from. And this course is showing us exactly that; that we have to be able to question, but still believe, to answer the questions that others, non-catholics and catholics alike, have. We're theology majors; we cant just accept what our professors teach us without forming our own opinions. So I completely understand what Dr. Ramage was saying, and how my classmate could be doubting. I can see how a lot of people might find problems with these inconsistencies in the Bible and in our faith. Makes sense.
But I was sitting in adoration this morning, filled to bursting with love for my God, for all of the mercy that He has shown to me, even as simple as allowing me the opportunity to visit Him everyday in the Holy Eucharist, and I couldn't help but think that all of those inconsistencies, all of those contradictions, just don't matter. I mean, obviously they do matter; this is the history of our faith, it came directly from God, and in order to claim that, there has to be some explanation for the inconsistencies. But regardless of whether the Bible is truly inspired, or whether God actually created everything in 6 days, or whether David was a good king or a traitor to the Israelites, regardless of any of that, I know that when I go to adoration, I can truly feel God's presence, and I know that He has had a hand in me being here right now. I know that I would not be at this school right now, directing a retreat, spending glorious time in prayer everyday, bursting with love for God and for everyone He has put in my life, if God did not exist and if I didn't believe in Him. The evidence of His work in my life is all that I need to believe that everything I've ever learned is true, that the Bible is inspired, and to have the trust that one day, even if it's after I'm dead, I will understand it all.
It's important to know our faith; to learn everything we can, to think on our own, and come to our own decisions. Our faith as Catholics is not just about a relationship with God. But if you have that relationship with God, how can you not believe in the Church? Sure, maybe there are a few things that don't add up; but the Church is still going strong after 2000 years. Surely, something is right.
And so, my seminar has not shaken my faith; if anything, it has made me yearn for more knowledge. I want to know as much as I can about this merciful God who obviously loves me more than I can possibly imagine; after all, His Son died for my sins--what more is there to know?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
John 3:17...no that's not a typo
So I was in adoration the other day reading through the morning prayer and mass readings for the day in my Magnificat when a verse caught my eye. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son..." Ok not that one, everyone knows John 3:16, it's basically the definition of Christianity. It was the next verse that I want to talk about: "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him." John 3:16 is everywhere; but I've never paid attention to John 3:17 before. I think it really hits home with Christianity though, and especially with Catholicism because so many people think that all we care about is how many sins you've committed and that we focus on the guilt. Our God is supposedly this judging God. But right there after the definition of Christianity God clarifies for us, because of course He knew He would need to: not to condemn the world, not to count our sins and make us feel guilty, but that we might be saved.
Which leads me to a song that has been bothering me: Jason Gray's "More Like Falling In Love." In it he says "more like falling in love than something to believe in, more like losing my heart than giving my allegiance." Falling in love with our heavenly Father and His Son is definitely necessary and often missing from the Catholic Church (in my opinion). But it's not just a feeling either. It's a way of life. Gray says "give me rules, I will break them; give me lines, I will cross them." Yes, we break the rules the church sets down for us; but not on purpose. We break them because we're flawed, we're human, WE SIN. It's so necessary to realize that, to see what we're doing wrong, so that we can change. God didn't send his Son to to save us so that we could do whatever we wanted and make our own rules. He sent Him so that we would WANT to follow the rules, so that when we fail, we come running back into His arms because He's forgiven us, and we try again.
Gray says that "all religion ever made of me was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet, it never set me free." So many people have those same feelings, and it frustrates me that as a Christian he would so those things on the radio (and that Christian radio stations would play it). But it also makes me sad that he's so misguided that he can't see how glorious the church is.
It seems to me that Christianity is divided in two. On one side are the Catholics, Lutherans, and other denominations who seem to be very focused on the Church as a building with rules. On the other hand are the denominations who want to know if I have a personal relationship with Jesus. Together these two sides make a whole. The Catholic Church is definitely taking steps toward the middle; but as a whole, and especially from the outside, it is still focused on structure. Which is completely necessary; but what good is structure with no feeling, no personal meaning? Not much, I think.
"For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him"--John 3:17
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